Mystery, Vulnerability, and a(nother) new beginning

In 2005, I was confronted by a good friend. He questioned my proclamations of openness and honesty. "You say you are an open book, but those who feel closest to you, don't actually get to know you." His observations felt painfully accurate at the time. I have been questing to break myself of the habit of hiding ever since. I think(/hope?) that I have made progress in revealing myself to others, in being appropriately vulnerable and readable. The "progress" is a little bit cyclical, as are most things in my life/personality. Lately I have been wondering if I've fallen into old patterns. 

I have always been attracted to mystery. It is beautiful, meaningful, and the best way I know how to explore truth. While it's embarrassing to admit, I have also often wanted to be mystery. There is something highly seductive about being peculiar -evidence somehow, of complexity, thoughtfulness, intelligence.

This blog has seen several iterations, but mostly it's been poetry, or bizarre and puzzling prose. While I believe that the beauty of mystery is part of the reason I wrote in these ways, these styles also allowed me to explore my thoughts and feelings while remaining cryptic and hidden. In person, I hide behind ideas or theories. I present opposite perspectives to those of the current speaker, but these are angles, not personal opinions. Sometimes, I distort the truth by resorting to jokes or sarcasm. I talk big. I love diving into certain "intimate" and "vulnerable" topics, but only the ones that don't actually make me feel vulnerable -it helps to underscore my oversharer personality. "When I reveal most, I hide most." - Thomas Merton. I posted this quote here in January 2012 and continue to relate emphatically. 

I have had a recent resurgence of post-conversation anxieties -worries that my intentions have not been clear. It is embarrassing (and annoying) how often I apologize/clarify/redefine after interactions I have just had. I am a chameleon; easily swayed by tone, dynamics, and other people's opinions. I have often reflected that I struggle to remain true to myself. Is this because I want to be loved more than I want to be known? Maybe it is because I have some deep-rooted fears that when I do attempt to be truly vulnerable, I will end up being actually misunderstood. Obviously it is safer to make myself mysteriously impossible to understand in the first place.

The problem with all of this is that even as I read it over (immediately after I have written it), I question my own thoughts and want to write something a little bit more palatable. I want to start explaining my explanations. I mean, it is a bit over the top. Alas, this is part of my person. I am contradictory, and grey, and have a difficult time knowing anything (even about myself,) for certain. (My attraction to/acceptance of mystery is almost definitely a coping mechanism for dealing with the fact that I find myself confusing -Ha!) 

It will probably be my entire life's journey to accept that I cannot actually be fully known through my verbal communication -that the intended meaning behind the words that leave my mouth/fingers will always be subject to the vast number of possible interpretations of their recipients. I am attempting come to a place where I believe that it is possible to be half-known (or even completely misunderstood) and still loved. 

So, here I am, continuing on my quest to be truthful, open, and accessible to myself (and perhaps a small number of others?), while battling my constant inner-conflict. The plan is to start by exploring/expanding upon some of the themes of my old musings, though I may become side tracked as I (hopefully) become more comfortable. We shall see.

Onwards!