Fear

Recently I've been realizing just how many of my daily decisions are influenced in some way by fear. This is difficult for me to admit. Courage, whatever that means, has been a guiding principle in my life for as long as I can remember.

Don't cry. Don't quake. Don't back down.
Climb a little higher.
Jump from the tallest cliff.
Say the thing that no one else is saying.

You will be praised for your bravado.



It seems as though whatever small acts of bravery that I have exhibited in this short life have mostly been compelled by an intense desire to quell fear by rushing into it headlong. Whatever pricks my scaredy-nerve instantly acquires my full attention. I turn to face the threat with such a well-thought out attack on the potential enemy that I need not worry. In this way, I have so compulsively used thought to push fear into the depths that I no longer recognize my motives.
But still, fear is the root.

Even (?especially) love holds fear in its bounds. What if it is not returned? What if I am misunderstood? What if the form of my love scares my beloved away?

I do a lot of mind reading. Or at least, I live my life as though I can.
So love is curated to suit its audience's (perceived) need/want/desire.
I will love a little more (or less) obviously, depending.

I'm trying to be done with this.